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A season full of twists and turns, ruthless sackings, global embarrassment and long trophy droughts being quenched, 2013/14 has been kind to the football fan, with this year guaranteed to go down as one of the most memorable in recent history. However, football isn't all drama and excitement; it's a hotbed for hilarity, be it intentional or accidental. Here are some of the most hilarious quotes from this season. Enjoy.


Gary Neville on MNF. olaitanajiboye.com

‘It’s like having to choose one out of two blokes to nick your wife.’ - Gary Neville gives us his views on the title showdown between Liverpool and City

‘Before I left the club, I told the people in charge that they would regret letting me go.’ - Kolo Toure…not quite having the last laugh over Manchester City

‘Three Egyptians in the squad today, as far as Hull as are concerned. I suppose if you want to climb the football pyramid…’ - Jeff Stelling with some good old borderline racism

‘If that ball had dropped to a West Brom player, who’d put it in the net, that would have been the equaliser.’ - No doubting that Trevor Francis knows exactly what he’s talking about


Derby County manager, Steve McClaren. telegraph.co.uk

‘If Villa hadn’t conceded three goals, they’d still be in this game.’ - The invaluable wisdom of Steve McClaren

‘I wouldn't trust the FA to show me a good manager if their lives depended on it.’ - Is Harry Redknapp still bitter about the England job?

‘I don’t like to use the word ‘dropped’. He just fell outside the 23.’ - Roy Hodgson, the master of euphemism

‘The only people who should play for England are English people.’ - Jack Wilshere will be voting UKIP, it seems

Everton manager, Roberto Martinez. dailymail.co.uk

‘The draws were more victories without goals.’ - Roberto Martinez looking on the bright side

‘I never can predict my future because a big part of the future is already behind me.’ - The time travelling Guus Hiddink

‘Ref, it was me!’ - Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain… or was it Kieran Gibbs?

‘I remember my first game against Fulham – I remember it like it was tomorrow.’ - David Moyes going back to the future

‘I don’t think I will watch my national team play at the World Cup. I’ve already bought tickets to go with my wife and my three children to Disney World.’ - Carlos Tevez can’t be bothered with it all

Stan Collymore, TalkSport commentator. telegraph.co.uk

‘Quite simply, we’ve got to be honest, there’s a very large Polish community in Poland.’ - Stan Collymore paying attention to detail

‘Tottenham have lost all their European quarter-finals since they last won one.’ - Rare howler from Clive Tyldesley

‘If you don’t give him a chance, what chance has he got?’ - You can’t argue with Paul Merson’s logic

‘I love Doyle. As a player, not as a man. I love women, without doubt.’ - Giovanni Trapattoni clearing up what everyone wanted to know

‘Unanimous agreement about the 23 chosen? Jesus Christ would not be able to do this.’ - Phil Scolari explains the simplicity of his task


Chelsea manager, Jose Mourinho. telegraph.co.uk

‘I am not better than any other coach, but no one is better than me.’ - Jose Mourinho’s jedi mind tricks

‘We will go away and celebrate the success we've had this season and go again.’ - Brendan Rodgers showing his ambition following a trophy-less season

‘The best way to win games is to score goals.’ - Manuel Pellegrini demonstrates his extensive knowledge of the game

‘I do not look to beat records. This happens naturally.’ - Cristiano Ronaldo – who else?

‘Some people are frustrated with that result? Some people can f*** off.’ - The charming Mick McCarthy

‘One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch.’ - Classic, humble Zlatan Ibrahimovic

PSG striker, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. telegraph.co.uk

If Rooney did join PSG, he would have to get used to the fact that Zlatan scores even better goals than him.’ - Zlatan Ibrahimovic giving Wayne Rooney a heads-up

‘There's a lot of romanticness about Liverpool winning the league.’ - The dictionary of Ian Wright

‘It's a good run, but it's a poor run, if you know what I mean.’ - Sorry, Michael Owen, don’t know what you mean

‘Mourinho would love to beat Wenger on his 1,000th birthday.’ - Mark Lawrenson believes Arsene Wenger may have faked his birth certificate

‘You'd expect City to take 30 points from those next six games.’ - Jamie Carragher running out of fingers to count with

ITV pundit, Roy Keane. joe.ie

‘[Jovetic] has been outstanding. His movement, his link-up play. It's just simple forward play, so nothing outstanding.’ - Roy Keane changes his mind abruptly

Jeff Stelling: ‘If you’re a manager, what do you say to Lee Cattermole before a game?’ Charlie Nicholas: ‘See you in 30 minutes.’ - Football joke of the year.

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