Footballer’s accessories: Remembered your boots, socks, shorts, mask?

September 24, 2013 in Funny Stuff by George Curtis

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Be honest. How much time did you spend in Sports Soccer scouring the shelves for as much needless apparel as you could fit in your Lonsdale sports bag ahead of the new season? From ‘muscle-warming’ under-garments to sweatbands that would never meet a forehead, from electrical tape to wrap around your wrist because… well, for absolutely no reason, to greasy boot polish that does nothing but stick to your hands in places you didn’t know existed. Well, ladies and gentleman, there’s a new product on the market that is set to rival those superfluous inhabitants of your bag’s hidden compartments. The mask, fashioned by Facundo Sava, Fernando Torres and Jim Carrey, is set to take the sports retail world by storm and dominate sales in a manner Gareth Bale would have a wet dream over.


For those of you interested in getting your hands on this most crucial of sports apparel, here’s a guide to help you find your perfect fit. Starring Sava, Torres, Rooney, Cech and Çetin.

1. The Bear Strangler

For those of a nervous disposition, please look away now. This man is frightening.

Servet Çetin may look like your average Turkish nutcase, but in reality, he is so much more. Çetin was forced to don this Kane-like (those who used to watch WWE will know who I mean) facial structure after he broke his face tackling a grizzly in his back yard. At least, that’s what I wish happened. The 32-year old gained the nickname AyıboÄźan which translates to ‘a man who can choke a bear’. Goodness knows why.

One of these masks costs a bucket of elbow grease and a broken cheekbone. Available in no good sports department stores.


2. The Scrum Cap

Petr Cech was so fed up with football that he decided he wanted to give rugby a go and strap on this stylish scrum cap. The big Czech stopper hasn’t let go of it since the day he was kneed in the head by Reading’s Stephen Hunt, an incident that left the Chelsea no.1 with a fractured skull and a vision of (blue) tits flying round his head. Unfortunately for Cech, the scrum cap fad is yet to spread to colleagues within the football world, but we at Ballsy Banter believe that shoulder pads and a mouthguard may help Cech inspire his teammates to join the craze.

The price of this scrum cap is a life-threatening injury and a hard shell to deal with the obvious ridicule of wearing one. Not advised.


3. The Sweatband/Forehead Protector/Hair Enhancer

Wayne Rooney was forced to wear with this cranium beauty after a sickening gash to the head left him leaking blood and brain cells, and Manchester United officials were concerned he wouldn’t be able to remember who he was. Which is, of course, an overweight, overpaid, tantrumous (he doesn’t know that isn’t a word) brat. Nevertheless, Rooney’s choice to cover just his forehead was probably a wise decision given that it kind of makes it look like he has more hair.

It is perhaps one of the more subtle pieces of headgear on the market at the moment and will require an unrivaled fashion sense and a receding hairline to pull it off. Restricted to fashion-savvy individuals.


4. The If I Can’t See You, You Can’t See Me

Fernando Torres. Bless him. Poor guy. I feel for him. Some of the more common responses to uttering his name. But don’t have too much sympathy for Chelsea’s Spanish flop. In an attempt to conceal his identity in front of goal, Torres has donned this slimline facial apparatus in the hope that no one will recognise him when he Ade Akinbiyi’s it into orbit. Unfortunately, Torres hasn’t thought it through completely, leaving a great big 9 on the side of the upper shelf of the mask, advertising his mysterious character.

One might say it worked. No one really gives a stuff about Torres anymore, yet the former Liverpool marksman is still working on ways to camouflage his name and number on the back of his shirt. Available in stores nationwide for those wishing to hide from loved ones.