How to spend your four-day weekend in the lower leagues

March 28, 2013 in Championship, League 1

The international break is over! And now that Stevan Jovetic has finished proving to everyone why I bought him for £32m on Football Manager, Saturdays once again mean wall-to-wall football, “Unbelievable Jeff”, and Gary Lineker once again letting his twitter followers know that he doesn’t pick the MOTD running order. Feels like ages since we had a regular weekend of football, and combine that with a four-day weekend (sorry if you work bank holidays, I used to have to, I feel your pain), so I thought I’d give you the a non-stop guide to how you could spend your four days off.


So get a suitably small 1.2 litre car (I suggest something that would fit in on The Inbetweeners), get a couple of cases of cheap beer (ask the local hobo what he suggests), buy some silly hats and get ready to tour the country – Note: do not drink and drive, do not wear silly hats and drive; due to petrol prices, this tour is almost definitely impossible unless you are a bazillionaire.


Friday 29th March

It’s Good Friday, and what better way to say “Jesus died and stuff” than heading to the Wirral and breathing in some of that fine Scouse air! Get your comedy 80s moustache over to Prenton Park and sample the delights of Tranmere v Sheffield United. 5th vs 6th in League 1, and United are bound to bring a fair sized crowd, so it could be quite a decent atmosphere. Tranmere had led the league for most of the season but have fallen away, and are now fighting to retain they play off place. United were pre-season favourites for the title but have failed to mount a serious challenge. Can they hang onto the final play-off space? Crack open a can of Tennent’s Special Brew on the way and find out!


Saturday March 30th

Don’t drink too heavily in Tranmere because you’ve got a long drive ahead of you. Bomb down the M6 till you hit people talking like farmers, then keep driving till you see advertisements for cream teas. Be there by 1.00, and you’ll just be in time to put the shirt that you’ve been drying out of the window because Gaz spilled Special Brew on it, and get over to Home Park to see the West Country Derby between Plymouth and Exeter. Plymouth are scrapping for their lives and are only three points above the Football League trap door. Exeter are pushing to secure a play-off pace, and this game will be well worth watching. Just make sure you don’t get caught eating a creamed scone in the home end!


Sunday March 31st

Easter Sunday, what better time for a fresh start? After making a predictable “his is risen” boner joke, pile back into your now festering Fiat Punto and head across to North London to take in some Women’s Super League action at Barnet, where the ladies of Barnet are taking on Watford. Holy crap, that is some local derby. Expect to see two-footed tackles, fighting on the terraces, and hair pulling all over the place. Also, whenever the goalie throws the ball out, shout “you throw like a woman” and sip the hip flask of warm White Star Cider you snuck in. After the match, update your Facebook status accordingly depending on what kind of reaction you want: 1) If you want to look sensitive and intelligent to entice the females, go with “Saw some women’s football today. What a fantastic advert for real sport. No cheating, diving or theatrics. Got the autograph of the number 9 afterwards” or 2) To look like a “lad” just go with “The number 9 was only a 3 at best #LADZ #BUZZIN #BANTZ #FRESH”.


Monday 1st April

There’s no football on today. Only kidding, April fool, did I get you? It’s the final stretch, and if you can manage to raise your pounding head off the pillow, then get your ass to Birmingham. St Andrews is your destination today for a Midlands relegation battle between Birmingham and Wolves. Birmingham have pulled away lately, but still aren’t looking particularly stable, whilst Wolves are attempting to avoid doing what I’m now calling the “reverse Southampton”. Former Arsenal target (LOL football journalism) Kevin Doyle is leading from the front and is trying his best to get Wolves relegated as soon as possible. Clearly playing in front of a brand new empty stand all season has caused them trouble, but away at St. Andrews they may have more luck. Should be worth going.

Come 5.30 you can drive home, collapse into your sofa and then spend the next month over-romanticising the four days you spent drinking shit beer, not showering and accidentally seeing your mate’s wang. Be sure to tell all your friends that they “just don’t get it”, as they “had to be there”.