Transfer Deadline Day: A Parody

January 30, 2013 in Features, Funny Stuff

At the end of every transfer window, football clubs throw sums of money most of us will never see in our lifetime at each other in a bid to try and put value on a single person’s worth.

Sounds a bit odd if put like that, but what if the rest of the day was that odd? Hmm…

0600
His team (apparently) short on firepower, the last thing Daniel Levy did before bed was table a £25m bid for Leandro Damiao. He wakes up to see that it’s been accepted, and if they’re willing to take that

0700
Arsene Wenger is woken by a text from Stan Kroenke reminding him that any business that needs to be done, needs to be done before the game today. He rolls over and goes back to sleep.

0800
Sir Alex Ferguson is enjoying a glass of red wine with his cornflakes when the physio calls. Turns out Nemanja Vidic has done his knee after tripping over an extension lead. He’ll be out till Easter. Ferguson’s response is to call Germany. He knows how to fix this.

0900
Peter Odemwingie wakes up feeling weird. He thought he was over the whole QPR thing, but he has the urge to ask one more time…

1000
Levy’s cut price bid of ‘£10m and David Bentley’ was laughed at before he was told he wouldn’t do business in Brazil again. Ah well. These “Gary Hooper” and “Danny Graham” fellows are meant to be strikers, right?

1100
Meeting the eyes of the Sunderland physio, Danny Graham nods his head. “I can’t compete with Michu, you’re the only ones who came in for me and I can’t do this any other way. Of course I’m sure.”

1200
Peter Odemwingie hands in his third transfer request of the window, and shockingly, Steve Clarke declines it. He pleads until the gaffer loses his temper and screams ‘no’. That’s when everything goes black…

1300
John Guidetti walks into Roberto Mancini’s office to ask to go out on loan, only to find his boss weeping over a framed picture of Mario Balotelli. The young striker backs out of the room slowly and never speaks of the incident again. It’s how they got Michael Johnson, after all.

1400
Ferguson pops open his third bottle of Merlot of the day with his lunch of prawn sandwiches. Negotiations with Dortmund are going brilliantly. If it keeps going like this, he won’t even have to rush the paperwork.

1500
Arsene Wenger is woken again by a text from Alisher Usmanov reminding him that Mohammed Diame of West Ham is available for a knockdown £3.5m. He rolls over and goes back to sleep.

1600
Jim White takes his first hit of speed.

1700
As he reads the news that Gary Hooper has already joined Norwich, and Danny Graham’s personal terms for his move to Sunderland included a lobotomy, Daniel Levy begins to despair until he feels that familiar power flow through him. If before they were negotiating with a businessman, now they’ll be negotiating with a GOD.

1800
Manchester United announce the signing of Robert Lewandowski as cover for the injured Nemanja Vidic. “You know what they say,” Sir Alex Ferguson said at the unveiling. “The best defence is an overwhelming strikeforce.”

1900
Jim White takes his fourth hit of speed and swivels to meet the Sky Sports cameras, live on Deadline Day. He begins with the news that Newcastle’s bid for Wilfred Bony has fallen through because he’s “not French enough”.

2000
Odemwingie makes it to the QPR training ground drenched in red, only to find another Peter being unveiled after moving from Stoke City. “Is there any space for me?” the Nigerian asks.

“Not really, no,” Harry Redknapp says.

Odemwingie freezes in horror before everything goes black…

2100
Determined to make this window work after the wage budget mix-up in August, Brendan Rodgers calls John Henry to see if he’s ready for Deadline Day tomorrow.

When he’s corrected, his scream can be heard from Goodison Park.

2200
AVB stares at the being before him as he single-handedly agrees the terms for the striker his team needs. For the price, this move is beyond his wildest dreams.

But not like this. Never like this.

2300
“It’s unfortunate what happened with Odemwingie,” ‘Arry tells Geoff Shreeves from his car window. “Seems that whenever he was told no, he turned into an mindless killing machine. Good thing Clint and Shaun were on hand: that’s the kinda grit we’re going to need to get out of our predicament, and I’m sure Crouchy can fire us to safety.”

0000 – The Window is Closed
Jim White visibly twitches as he rounds up the day’s news: what they’re calling the Black Country Massacre and the perpetrator being linked with Chelsea; Sir Alex Ferguson regaling journalists about his new 2-3-5 formation while splashing Shiraz on the front row; Daniel Levy’s powers of negotiation not extending to stopping time, foiling Spurs’ audacious attempt to sign Falcao for £5m with David Bentley and Jermaine Jenas as makeweights.

The madness is over until the summer.

The next morning…
Arsene Wenger is confronted by half the board before training, wondering why he was ignoring their correspondence yesterday. “Correspondence?” the manager says with a Gallic shrug. “I, er… did not see it.”

So yeah. If you want accuracy and the occasional giggle, follow @BallsyBanter at all costs. If you want giggles and occasional accuracy follow @JoeKingley. IT’S A PUN.

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