Five Of The Most Ridiculous Transfer Rumours This Year

January 16, 2013 in Features, Transfers by Ben Said Scott

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So the silly season is well and truly upon us. A time when the lines between lies, truth and damned lies are blurred so as to turn even the most stubborn of minds in to a blind believer, walking down an darkened alley in search of knowledge.
We at Ballsy Banter are no better. Every day, I have a flood of updates from the writers speculating on which transfer will go through today, what they want to see happen and laughing at the prospect of someone’s piece of business being a complete dud.
So here are a collection of my own personal favourite choices for ridiculous news stories of the month, even if they are true.

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Iker Casillas (Real Madrid to Southampton or Sunderland)

I’ll start with the most ridiculous. This news story appeared from, in general, the most unreliable of all news stories: a Twitter account of someone who claimed to be In The Know. Most ITKs have no basis in reality other than the hope to report old news stories, or rumours with the hope that one of them sticks and they receive a bunch of naïve followers. This one was exceptional though. Now I know that most sane people have a penchant for red and white striped kits - let’s be honest, they are the coolest - and it is also true that this is perhaps the Spanish keeper’s most difficult time at Real Madrid, the club he has been at since he was a boy. But this was never going to happen. It is doubtful that he would even leave despite his falling out with manager Jose Mourinho, and more likely that the Special One will leave before the keeper makes way.

I mean, Sunderland don’t even need a keeper, Mignolet’s pretty good, and don’t even get me started on Southampton, Kelvin Davies is a boss…

Robert Lewandowski (Borussia Dortmund to Manchester United)

Is your team is steaming ahead of everyone in the Premier League? Are your defenders always injured and does the centre of your midfield look more than suspect? Well, the only reasonable course of action is to bring in another double million figure striker, surely. In the modern world of football, staying still is a death sentence - I mean after a fantastic season last year Newcastle’s lack of investment has cost them big time this summer – but surely another striker isn’t the answer to Manchester United’s problems. They already have four proven Premier League strikers on their books, and bringing in Lewandowski will only mean having to find a buyer for one of those players. This, I suppose, would be fine, if the money couldn’t be better spent elsewhere. But as mentioned above, United’s defence and midfield both need some work to compete with the two Spanish giants in the Champions League. Perhaps Sir Alex hopes for an old fashioned school-field-shoot-out against Real Madrid when they face each other next month, most goals wins.

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Wesley Sneijder (Inter Milan to Galatasaray)

By all accounts this was all but done two days ago, but then a twist, as his agent came out and said that there hadn’t even been a conversation with the Turkish giants about the move. The former United target has seen a Fernando Torres-like tumble in his fortunes since being robbed of the Ballon D’Or trophy in 2010. He is out of favour with his club since an injury ruined last season for him and he refused to sign a new, more prudent contract for Inter Milan. His apparent dream move to England, and in particular to the current leaders of the league, has since become as far-fetched as Casillas to Sunderland. His wages are too high and he hasn’t played for two seasons. With no other suitors but QPR, this move then would seem sensible for a player who should still be in the prime of his career and could rebuild his reputation while also playing regular European football and competing for trophies in the Turkish league, but he just can’t seem to accept that. Instead, he will be determined to fight for his right to play in England’s top division until at least the final day of the transfer window, or until Gala offer him enough.

Mohammed Diame (West Ham to Arsenal)

The funniest thing about this transfer is that it would actually be a sensible one, but probably won’t happen because of Arsene Wenger’s stubbornness. Little be it for me to criticize one of the greatest managers of the Premier League era, but seriously, this signing is so logical that Wenger probably won’t see it. Arsenal have been weak in protecting their defence for the last few seasons. They had a stop-gap option in Alexander Song, who went to Barcelona in the summer, and I looked at Diame and thought he would fit in well with any Premier League side. He was a free transfer and no-one but West Ham went for him. He isn’t a world beater, but as he has shown this season that he is a strong unit in the centre of midfield which would allow Arsenal’s flair players the space and protection they need to create chances for their forwards. Whether Olivier Giroud actually converts those chances is another matter of course… Lewandowski, anyone?

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Loic Remy (Marseille, not to Tottenham or Newcastle or Stoke but to QPR)

Perhaps the funniest of the lot. Perennially linked to Spurs, this rangy striker looks to be a good fit to the Premier League. A striker who would do a solid job for a team chasing the European places and competing for domestic trophies, was surely going to be heading to an established Premier League side which will provide him with some stability, as he looks to establish himself as a Premier League force. Of course, the rumour itself was no surprise - in fact, it seemed like lazy journalism. Remy was wanted by Spurs while ‘Arry Redknapp was there, Redknapp is now at QPR, two plus two equals five. But let’s be honest, this one was never going to happen, was it? QPR are in trouble down at the bottom of the table, on the same number of points as Reading, a team no-one is giving any realistic chance of surviving this season so yeah, he’s never going to risk his career by going to the Hoops, what a ridiculous rumo… HE WHAT! How much? A free transfer if they get relegated?… Bloody ‘Arry…

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